


and my distant heart

by worry



Category: Babylon 5
Genre: F/F, Grief/Mourning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-05
Updated: 2016-08-05
Packaged: 2018-07-29 14:01:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7687363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/worry/pseuds/worry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I loved you,” repeats the ghost, voice like a shrieking echo. It says <i> I loved you</i>, but Susan knows that there are many things about her that just can’t be loved. Standing where a good woman once stood, is now Susan Ivanova. Talia could never love her; they were too different, but simultaneously too similar.</p><p> </p><p>“Talia,” she says, “please, I want you to leave. I want you to leave.”</p><p> </p><p>“I loved you,” is all that it says in response. It wears Talia’s image like armor.</p>
            </blockquote>





	and my distant heart

"I loved you too."

 

In the quarters of Susan Ivanova, there lives a ghost. It flickers, on the edge of the concept of existence, in-and-out like the kind of breaths that Susan Ivanova used to take around the ghost when it was living. Alive. Not-a-ghost. A breath that said _I love you_ without the words.

 

Now she takes a different breath, takes a different look at the world and the night that surrounds the station. The ghost sits on Susan’s bed and doesn’t move. It only moves when Susan does, which is the saddest thing about the ghost; it is, in essence, an extension of her, only moving when she takes a move, only moving to block her from escaping the thought of it.

 

She’s considered getting a psychiatric examination, taking medications, praying that the ghost will leave her. Finally, finally _leave her._ But: who, besides her, will grieve? Who, besides her, will mourn Talia? Who, besides her, will look at their hands at the end of the day and think only about Talia, think only about working to distract. Talia. Talia. Talia. The word on her hand like it’s dirt from a graveyard. The ghost on her bed dragging in graveyard dirt, dragging in words. There are no graves in space, which means that there is only Talia, present always.

 

“I loved you,” repeats the ghost, voice like a shrieking echo. It says _I loved you,_ but Susan knows that there are many things about her that just can’t be loved. Standing where a good woman once stood, is now Susan Ivanova. Talia could never love her; they were too different, but simultaneously too similar.

 

“Talia,” she says, “please, I want you to leave. I want you to leave.”

 

“I loved you,” is all that it says in response. It wears Talia’s image like armor. It is not Talia, only pain. Pain-and-Talia have always coincided in some way, but now there’s only pain. Pain, and sickness, and horror where Talia stood. Where the Psi Corps held her.

 

“I can’t deal with this any longer.”

 

“Tell me,” it says suddenly, “a tale. An old story. I want to remember.”

 

 _Remember. I want to remember._ Graveyard. Bodies rising from beneath the ground. There is nothing to remember.

 

“I don’t…”

 

“Susan, _please._ ”

 

So she sits next to it and tells it the story of Peter Pan, the boy who never grew up. Stayed a child forever, until the end of the world. Maybe, she thinks, this will make Talia remember. Their first conversation, when she told Talia about her mother and her mother’s fate. _Never, ever grow up._ Maybe this will make Talia’s personality come back. Maybe this will make her rise. Maybe this will make the ghost go away.

 

“What an interesting story,” it says, and then: “tell me another.”

 

“I need to sleep,” Susan says, but the truth is that she never sleeps.

 

“Then sleep,” says the ghost. “I will be waiting for you. Tomorrow night, and always.”

 

Susan Ivanova does what she promised she would never do: she breathes, flickers, and _sleeps._

**Author's Note:**

> lol the inspiration for this Hit Me Out Of Nowhere i'm sorry it's confusing and not good but ,,,,, yeah


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